Epic Rap Battles of Total Drama
by BowDownToQueenScarlett
Summary: See your 51 favourite characters duke it out in this rapping tournament in pairs, and will compete until there's one left! You decide who won and who moves on and who the pairs should be! CONTAINS TDPI SPOILERS. BEWARE.
1. Epic Rap Battles 01: Mal vs Scarlett

"Welcome back, to an all new installment of Total Drama!" Our wonderful and very familiar host with the most spoke, on the dock of Playa Des Losers. "Over the past six or so seasons, we've seen fifty-one losers with a heart of gold each, hoping to take home the million. But like, six won? Yeah."

"But," he continued, "we're back for redemption, in a musical sort of style."

Chef interrupted after slipping on his snapback and sunglasses. "Rap battles, TDI Style!"

"Exactly!" Chris clapped his hands as the cameras continued to focus on him. "So, if you haven't seen TDI, TDA, TDWT, TDRI, TDAS or TDPI, stop by later, as this could ruin everything!"

The camera flashed by the pool.

"So, shall I spin the wheel?" Chris chuckled.

"Uh, yeah." Zoey replied nervously, "go for it."

Dawn sighed, predicting terrible things. "This battle will not end well."

"I love rapping!" Harold replied.

"Scarlett!" Chris called out, as the spinner stopped on our lovable braniac from TDPI, turned... crazy. The other one landed on someone else. "Mal."

"Huh?" Mike raised an eyebrow, concerned. "But uh, Mal is gone."

"Oh," Scarlett replied, "it will be quite easy to reactive your personas, despite the hazards."

"Whaddya-" But before Mike could protest, Scarlett slammed a stick on his head, knocking him out, until Mal awoken inside.

"Sinister." Mal stretched his arms. "I like that."

"Shh." Chris signaled everyone's silence.

Chef walked out with a microphone.

"EPIC... RAP BATTLES... OF TOTAL DRAMA!"

"SCARLETT!"

"VERSUS..."

"MAL!"

"BEGIN!"

**Mal:** Is this vile redhead my competition? How fortuitous, I demand better.

My cold-hearted evil is what sparked your creation, I'm a trendsetter.

I'm dropping these beats like I dropped Gwen off that mountain.

If you think I'm going easy on you because of your gender, you're in for a poundin'.

I'm the next generation and iteration of antagonizing,

Snapping your neck like I snapped Al's wrist, so frightening.

If you think breaking things is all that I've got to bring to the table,

You must be suffering from Scarlett Fever; enough with the fables.

**Scarlett:** Tying my hair into a bun, and slipping on these abnormally large glasses,

I'm keeping up appearances, and your personas wo;; down in the masses.

I'm not sure if I can take you quite seriously, you're as thin as a twig.

And snapping his wrist like that, I think drugs must be the answer, you twit.

Unlike you, I know how to use intelligence and stealth to get me far in life,

Without having to secretly go breaking things, godplaying and cause strife.

I'm the most interesting and inventive evil that this show has ever seen.

You don't take that crown, you're like a young child who dropped their ice cream.

**Mal:** How dare you even try to speak, I'll be the one to successfully and actually complete your plans!

Your explosive mission got foiled by a midget with purple hair and loose pants!

Can you really take yourself seriously if you never succeeded in this game?

Shows over, honey, learn to play it without being completely lame… (Toodles!)

**Scarlett:** Reset buttons won't be available to help you escape the pain when I'm done with you.

You would never be able to comprehend what it takes to master this game, you fool.

Whether you see me coming or not, quite unlikely, I'll be going out in a blaze of glory.

Because I know how to handle the heat and immense pressure, hide my villainy, and be the one who's scoring!

The cast clapped their hands, with a few exceptions. "Nice!" Chris replied. "Who do you think won? And who would you like to see? Join us next time where we'll be watching Courtney and Duncan duke it out, but don't forget to suggest which of these 51 people should rap together!"


	2. Epic Rap Battles 02: Courtney vs Duncan

Back at Playa Des Losers, it was a continuation of the rap battle tournament. Scarlett and Mal (transformed back into Mike) were relaxing, awaiting the results, while Chris walked out, ready to get it started.

"We're back." Chris chuckled, cracking his knuckles. "But, the results will come soon, we're still tallying 'em up."

"Um, last time you said-" Courtney interrupted, "that me and that... thing would be battling without spinning the wheel. What's up with that?"

"Well, I thought of it." Chris replied.

Courtney stomped her foot. "I want it fair!"

"Well, I don't care!"

"OOOH!" Chef shouted. "He dropped it like it was hot!"

"Chef?"

"EPIC RAP BATTLES OF TOTAL DRAMA..."

"DUNCAN..."

"VERSUS..."

"COURTNEY"!

"BEGIN."

**Courtney:** You'll be failing this battle, like how you dropped out from manners school.

Can you really consider smoking, stealing and being an unlikable thug cool?

I'm prim, proper and powerful, and have already mapped out my future plans.

On the breakfast of September 18th, 2016, I'll be munching on Sultana Bran.

I have standards for myself; you just do whatever's mainstream and hyping.

You don't think before you act at all, which is why we were constantly fighting.

But I've put this all behind me, and I've really only got one thing to say.

For all that misery, abuse, and crap you put me through, you're really going to pay!

**Duncan:** Bring it on, missy, you know that I like my women mean and feisty.

You're the most uptight gal I've ever met in my life, so drop the fake goody-nicey-nicey.

You're lying, cheating and deceptive, and if I didn't despise you, I'd applaud.

But all of this BS you're making up, getting attention and whatnot, I think you're just a fraud.

Dating someone as whiny as you was the biggest mistake I've ever even made.

Sorry I couldn't help myself from wanting to desperately get laid.

Wait, you should be apologizing sweetheart, for all the crap you put me the hell through.

The reason I cheated on you with Gwen, was none other, than you.

**Courtney:** Urgh, don't even try to justify your disgusting mistakes by putting the blame on someone with actual responsibility!

If you think you're going to get away with this mark-free, think again, because I'm coming at you with every electrical utility!

Your libido and your intelligence is a huge disappointment to me,

I should have dumped you before this crap happened, so I could be free.

But no, you tortured me, and put me in a pool of drama without any escape!

So shut your vile, thuggy, gross, stainy, pierced, delinquent mouth, before I get out the duct-tape!

**Duncan:** Blah-blah-blah, all I can hear is you being a C.I.T. and getting out your lawyers, it's getting old.

I'm not afraid of no judges or courts, I've been there many times before!

You're not innocent, you sang about crushing a girl with a rock because you got mad!

You're a horrible monster even worse than me, so drop the entire fad.

I've had enough with you, why did I even bother in the first place?

You should get a taste of your own medicine, in the form of mace!

**Courtney:** Get back here, don't walk away from me you idiotic Neanderthal!

You always walk away from your problems, whether we're in the ally or the mall!

Why can't you take responsibility for your actions and stop shoplifting things like mugs?

It doesn't make you any cooler, have fun with THAT on your resume, thug!

**Duncan:** Silly, silly Courtney, you always come crawling right back to my door.

Alejandro, Steve Urkel, Redneck and I? What are you, a w**re?

I'll just keep insulting you blindly, relaxing, while you come back for more.

But you're really repetitive and whiny, and now my throat's getting sore!

"WHO WON."

"WHO'S NEXT."

Chris interrupted. "You're all deciding, folks! Leave a review of WHO WON BOTH THIS AND LAST BATTLE, AND WHO YOU WANT TO SEE. ;)"

"That was mah line." Chef grunted, annoyed.


	3. Epic Rap Battles 01: Brick vs Jo

"Results, are you coming?" Chris looked at his watch, just waiting for the results for the last two battles to finally arrive, so he could make an announcement. "Chef? Why is this taking so long? We've got a show to host."

"Ugh," Chef replied, "we is rolling."

"Oh what?" Chris raised an eyebrow and looked back into the camera. "Let's begin! The results might be late, but we super promise they'll be back next time."

"Let's spin the wheel and get this done." Jo rolled her eyes and cracked her knuckles.

Brick objected. "Ma'am, be patient!"

"Shut it." Jo replied.

"No, both of you shut it." Chris chuckled, standing between them. "A certain member of our website dubbed Kayla Bow has suggested that you two should battle."

"I beg your PARDON?" The both replied in shock about this.

"So, without holding back, let's get this started!" Chris clapped his hands. "Damn, rhyming like a professional right here!"

Chef began.

"EPIC RAP BATTLES OF DRAMA TOTAL OR WHATEVER."

"BRICK."

"VERSUS…"

"MAN-LADY, I MEAN, UH, JO!"

"BEGIN!"

**Jo: **Is this my competition? Are you freakin' kidding me?

This guy wet his pants are school, I'll knock him out verbally quite easily!

Confuse my gender, call me names, do whatever, I don't care!

I'll be crushing you in the dirt, and you're too much of a sportsman to swear!

You call yourself a loyal man yet you happily ditched your own team to win?

Considering you anything positive would be such an utter sin!

Hey, wetpants, captain wiz, turn around, bam, you're hit!

Why don't you fight back against me? What? Too much morale there for ya', kid?

**Brick: **Sir yes sir, I'll be waltzing into battle with every pound of pride I can carry!

Unlike you there, ma'am, I am not afraid to be merry, prepare for the fatality!

We will engage in this battle and not hold any grudges nor hold back, if that's okay with you!

I have been training since I was born to defend, and it's exactly what I'm gonna' do!

I'm a bit goofy, I'm not the strongest, and I might have wet my pants when I was a child!

But that was the past, and this is the present, look to the future and keep the insults mild!

Rapping isn't my best skill, but I give everything like this a chance!

Unlike you, I'm always looking out for everyone, and on your grave, I ain't afraid to dance!

**Jo: **Finally this manchild has gotten some strength within him present!

I was about to ditch the place instead, and now, you're going to regret it!

Your so called skills are about as ambiguous as your sexuality!

And if actually got some family jewels, enough with the words and come at me!

**Brick: **I have morale and I will not hit a lady, no matter what Lightning thinks of your sex!

Who cares about physicality when I can easily defeat you verbally, ahuh, yes!

I'm the man of the house, so you must follow your superior's commands!

Whether you like it or not, I'm going to treat you like a wo-MAN!

**Jo: **Listen here, dorkahauntos, it's about to get serious!

Both your face and lack of strength is making me delirious.

**Brick: **I don't care for your insults as I prefer to be the better peer!

Back away from me, ma'am, you don't want to come near!

**Jo: **Being the better person, yikes, when this is over, you're gonna be in a hearse!

I bet you're sad enough that you'd give a lady you robbed back her purse!

Don't call yourself a man, or anything you want to throw at me!

You and your loser military wannabes can drive back off in your freak caddy!

I'm never holding back, and I'll be ready to attack when your puny forces come!

Don't think about wetting your pants out of fear upon realisation, you chum.

**Brick: **The past is in the past, let us not resurrect this immature name calling!

It'll be a battle of the brawns and brain, so off your pedestal, you're falling!

When I'm done with you, I might feel sorry and take you out to dinner!

Whether I've lost this battle or not, I do believe I'm a winner!

Hold back your hostility, and brace yourself for impact completely!

Forget about the battling, let me ask, will you marry me?

**"****who won."**

**"****who's next."**

**"****You decide!"**

"Well…" Chris chuckled, as security pulled Jo away while Brick cowered in fear. "That was an interesting battle. But, yeah. Review who you think won, and another suggestion! And we'll have the results ready in no time!"

"Heh." Chef rolled his eyes. "You don't see that erryday, huh."

"No." Chris replied. "You just don't."


	4. Epic Rap Battles 04: Sugar vs Topher

First of all, I'm really sorry this took so long. Also, sorry if this one wasn't the greatest…

"We're back!" Chris announced, reading off a piece of paper. "And we've already randomized our pair! Topher will be rap battling Sugar. Chef, could you do the honors?"

"EPIC RAP BATTLES OF Total Drama." Chef narrated.

"TOPHER"

"VS."

"SUGAR!"

"BEGIN!"

Sugar:

It's the old school, "craptry", rodeo beatdown!

Starring pompous, pretty boy Topher, gonna kick out that frown!

You're always sucking up to Chris so you can get a stupid, worthless job,

I've seen more maturity and responsibility shown by a greasy hog!

I been working on a farm, and you're heading through the slaughter house!

I'm the beauty and the beast, you're a frightened, little, mouse!

When you try to step up to big gal Sugar, she ain't gonna put on no act!

Turn off the cameras now, 'cuz things are about to get whack!

Topher:

They say the camera adds five pounds, there must be a couple dozen on you!

You're hogging up all the screentime, quite literally, so shoo!

I've got fabulous hair, you look like you showered after getting a perm,

Also why are you so dirty? What are you, a worm?

I've got skills and I'm ready to own Hollywood in the fraction of a second!

My face is also smoking hot, don't you reckon?

This is Topher's house, I'm the one with all the charming skill,

I have an interview with Chris so shoo if you will.

Sugar:

Fractions? Who needs all of that useless mathematical junk!

It ain't gonna protect ya when I throw a tractor at your trunk!

I'm gonna tear you apart in about three seconds, you're like a greasy chicken leg!

Sugar's the real queen of the pageant, you're fifteen minutes is up, now don't go and beg.

Topher:

Why would I need to beg, I'm the next coming superstar!

What kind of pageants do you compete in? You look more like a car!

I'm great, perfect and fabulous, there is nothing wrong with me.

Now hold up your appetite, honey, you'll never make it with fame, capishce.


End file.
